When Hal Roach told a joke he thought the audience loved he would say "Write it down." Well, it's hard to do that when you're groaning at the jokes you hear at our performances so I thought I'd write them down for you. These are not originals. Most are adaptations of stories I've heard. I tend to use Murphy and O'Donnell frequently, I think because those names usually sat in front and behind me at school. So with that, here are some favorites of mine.
The salesman told Murphy to back up his hard drive. Murphy asked, "How do I put it in reverse?"
Murphy was driving home on I-43 when his wife called on his cell phone to tell him that there was a report of a car driving the wrong way on the interstate. "One car?" Murphy replied. "Why, there are hundreds of 'em!"
O'Donnell was in a pub when he noticed that Murphy had his wedding ring on the wrong finger. Murphy said, "That's okay, I married the wrong woman."
O'Donnell raised his glass and said "My wife! She's an angel" Murphy replied, "Ah you're lucky. Mine's still alive."
Father O'Malley was tending his garden in front of the rectory when a boy of about 4 years came along pulling his wagon. Suddenly one wheel of the wagon fell off. The little boy said "Damn!" and put it back on. A few steps later a different wheel fell off. Again the boy said "Damn" and put it back on. Now Fr. O'Malley was concerned about the boy's language, so he went over to the lad and delivered a short homily on the power of prayer and the evil of swearing. The boy listened and when Father was done, took a few steps, and suddenly all four wheels fall off the wagon. He's about to swear, but sees Father O'Malley and says a prayer instead. Suddenly all four wheels come off the ground and attach themselves to the wagon. Father O'Malley turns, looks up, and says "Well I'll be damned!"
With his daughter's wedding less than a week away, O'Donnell walked into the pub and said that he still didn't know what he was going to talk about for the speech at her reception. Murphy lifts his head above his pint and says "I think you should talk about...two minutes."
Murphy was sitting in a pub and looking quite distressed. O'Donnell asked him what the problem was. Murphy replied, "My wife has enrolled me in a bridge club." "That doesn't sound so bad" said O'Donnell. Murphy replied, "I didn't think so either till I found I'm scheduled to jump off next Tuesday."
Miss Flanagan was of marrying age, but had no prospects. So she put an ad in the paper that simply read "Husband Wanted". Well, wouldn't you know two days later she has over 100 replies - and they all said the same thing: You Can Have Mine.
Father O'Malley dies and is waiting in line to be greeted by St. Peter. He's right behind Murphy, the cab driver. St Peter says to Murphy, "We have a wonderful mansion for you with gardens and a fountain right here on the main street. Come right in." Then St. Peter says to Father O'Malley, "Ah Father we have a cozy two room cottage for you, you just have to enter at the side gate." Father O'Malley is stunned and asks how Murphy can get a mansion and he a mere cottage. St. Peter says, "Father it's like this. When you preached a sermon, people slept. When Murphy drove his cab, people prayed!"
What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
Murphy said, "I have no trouble getting dates. My problem is they never show up."
Murphy said, "Is it my imagination or do these buffalo wings taste like chicken?" O'Donnell replied, "It must be the seasoning."
Father Fitzpatrick hasn't seen Mr. O'Brien at church for several weeks. Concerned, he asks Mrs. O'Brien if there's a problem. "Indeed there is," she says. "He's left because of the television." "Why would he leave because of the television?" Father asks. "Twas the commercial," Mrs. O'Brien replies. "It said 'Drink Canada Dry' and he's gone to see if he can do it!"
Why do bagpipers walk while they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.
How do you get a guitar player to play softer? Give him sheet music.
How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb? 12 - One to do it and eleven to say they could do it better.
Christmas Season laughs:
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a baker? Frosty the Doughman.
How many reindeers does it take to change a light bulb? 8. One to change the bulb, seven to hold down Rudolph.
They're trying something new at the malls this year: TWO Santas. A regular line and an express line for kids with 5 items or less.
Last year I gave my nephew a book for Christmas. For six months he tried to figure out where the batteries went.
The older the fiddle, the sweeter the tune. - Irish Proverb
May good luck be with you wherever you go, And your
blessings outnumber the shamrocks that grow. -
The eye of a friend is a good looking glass.-
Each poet with a different talent writes, One praises, one
instructs, another bites. -
May the face of every good news and the back of every bad
news be toward us. -
When the tongue slips, it speaks the truth. -
May you have warm words on a cold evening, a full moon on
a dark night, and a smooth road all the way to your door. -
Let your anger set with the sun and not rise again with
An old broom knows the
dirty corners best. -
A man without learning,
and wearing fine clothes, Is like a pig with a gold ring in his nose.-
Though there is no bone in the
tongue, it has frequently broken a man's head. -
May the roof above you never fall in, and may friends gathered below never fall out. - Irish Toast
There's nothing half so sweet in life as love's young dream -
Every man desires to live long; but no
man would be old. -
May she be afflicted with the itch and have no nails to scratch with. - Irish Curse
May the hinges of our friendship
never grow rusty.
In the New Year, may your right hand always be stretched out in friendship and never in want. - Irish Toast
Thanks for coming to hear us.
Now that's dedication!
Every terrier is bold in his own doorway - Irish Proverb
Ernie would sit on the guitar case so music would have to go on!